Narcissists have no moral values! Inspite of the squeaky, clean image they present or how innocent they behave, do not be fooled. You cannot put anything past a Narcissist. So, even though they may tick all the boxes of a good and loyal citizen you can be sure they have some hidden dark obsession or down right perversion that they hide.
Narcissists hate everyone and their aim is to defile as many people as possible, especially those closest them.
Narcissists are prone to be sexually immoral; avid cheaters and adulterers, as they are only loyal to themselves and their own wants and desires.
The dark entity that the Narcissist hosts wants to destroy them as much as everyone else. As a result Narcissists are likely to be addicts; addicted to something that either destroys their body or their mind. Being involved with a Narcissist changes us. If we are not careful they can seduce or persuade us into doing things that we had vowed never to do. This is why you have to be careful what you tell a Narcissist, otherwise they will try and find a way to make you eat your words, which will fill them with immense gratification.
The Narcissist enjoys persuading others to do things against their will. They feel powerful knowing that they can get someone to do something they would not usually do. Giving your time and life to a Narcissist is one of the worst mistakes anyone can make because Narcissists do not value anyone, they just want to destroy as many people as they can. It is usually a slow mental destruction, which goes on to break us down physically and spiritually.
Narcissists should be avoided like a plague, wherever possible. Their fake personalities and endless lies are not worth entertaining. The Narcissist only aim is to destroy others. They want to break us mentally, physically and spiritually. Narcissists do not know what love is they only know how to control.
Narcissists are dirty, depraved and dark. They seek out innocent victims and lure them into a trap where they can isolate, control and abuse them. They seek to destroy and make us doubt our mental capabilities by making us feel as though we are the crazy ones and the cause of all their problems. It takes a sick, twisted and perverted mind to do this and think nothing of it.
No one is safe from a Narcissist because they will exploit anyone in their path and use and abuse them whichever way they can. The holier than thou, pretentious character that some of them play up to, is a far cry from who or what they really are.
There has been a lot of misinformation, going around to counteract the spreading awareness of Narcissism, that is on the rise in our society.
I keep hearing the following statements:
‘Everyone have some narcissism’ or their is ‘healthy narcissism’.
Let’s first look at a few definitions of narcissism:
1 – Excessive self-involvement, vanity, egocentricism and lack of regard to others.
2 – Pleasure derived from contemplation or admiration of one’s own body or self.
3 – Total self-absorption, a need for gratification without regard or concern for others.
Narcissists are the ones with Narcissism but it is being pushed on the masses. Yes, it is true that many people are more self-absorbed today, thanks to social media and the media in general, but not everyone (myself included). We live in a time where people are encouraged to be narcissistic and it’s sometimes hard to differentiate between somone who is just a little narcissistic to being a full blown narcissist. I believe all this is intentional. The lines have been blurred to make it easier for people to accept this new mantra that everyone is a narcissist or everyone has a bit of narcissism in them.
Educated narcissists are the ones pushing this misinformation and the masses are just lapping it up. It doesn’t matter how many degrees these narcissists have, we need to remember that they are still narcissists. They are still delusional, pathological liars who are trying to sway the unsuspecting to their dark side.
From the definitions of Narcissism given above; where is there room for narcissism to be healthy? The root of Narcissism is evil and sick why try and put a positive spin on it and say there is Healthy Narcissism.
It’s one thing to care about your appearance and another to be constantly obsessed with it. A decent person would want to be clean and presentable when they are going out; so how can someone turn around and tell them they are being narcissistic. The Narcissism comes when their appearance becomes an obsession: where they are constantly checking themselves in the mirror (taking selfies) or their general commitment to looking good or presenting a certain image becomes excessive.
The problem in today’s society is that too many people are filled with vanity. Being vain (which is a narcissistic trait), is the issue. According to the Cambridge dictionary ‘Vain’ is being too interested in your appearance or achievements. Having too much vanity can lead to other problems such as selfishness, materialism and not having deep and meaningful relationships. Money, looks, material possessions and who you know are very shallow things to base your life around but to a vain person they are everything.
Someone who has a few narcissistic traits, can go on to become a full blown narcissist with narcissism. Bu,t as I’ve demonstrated many people are not actually narcissists they are just vain. But the intention of the powers that be is that they do become full blown narcissists. They hope that the Spirit of Narcissism will take over the population.
Narcissism is all about oneself, with no regard to others. Narcissism is a lack of empathy. Many people who have picked up a few narcissistic traits still have empathy and still care deeply for others.
Narcissism should be reserved for Narcissists and we should not be too quick to take upon ourselves this attribute.
Now, we are left with the task of weeding the non-narcissists out of the bunch. A clear differentiation is needed to separate the narcissistic (having a few narcissistic traits) from the narcissists. What a lot of people need to work on, so as to not appear narcissistic is; Stop being so VAIN!
To conclude, there are many people who exhibit some narcissistic traits but they are not narcissists. Narcissism is a quality of narcissists and I believe that the Cluster b sect, sociopaths and psychopaths are all narcissists. They all have narcissism as their foundation.
There is no such thing as Healthy Narcissism. Narcissism is for Narcissists not ME!
Are there benefits to being a narcissist? What good does it serve the narcissist to be the way they are?
I have talked a lot about the troubles or woes that a narcissist endures but there is something that keeps the narcissist trapped and in denial to what is really happening in them and to them.
Have you heard of people selling their souls or making deals with the devil? Well, with the narcissist it is very similar to that.
Many narcissists are very successful, they tend to be the ones who are promoted for positions and power. They are the politicians, motivational and public speakers, pastors, C.E.Os, doctors, lawyers, managers, teachers, trainers. But they can also be successful in blue collar jobs as well but the point is, that the narcissist tends to live a life that is worth envying (at least from the outside).
This happens because narcissists are a host to a very dark entity, and for being a host the narcissist is given, what we call, the Gift of Gab, which is: the ability to speak easily and confidently in a way that makes people want to listen to you and believe you.
With this gift and their unhealthy desire to compete and beat everyone around them, the narcissist is able to charm and persuade their way through life getting what they want. This ability makes up for the lack of empathy as the narcissist is able to convince and influence with only their words. Every interview and conversation is a breeze and the narcissist realises very early on this ‘power’ that they now have which draws people and success into their lives.
Many narcissists know that they have this gift and they use it to benefit themselves while destroying the lives of people around them. Narcissists love to gossip, lie and gaslight. They sow seeds of discord to cause arguements and division. They use their tongue to wreak havoc in people’s lives through smear campaigns. They persuade their exes to take them back despite any previous hurt they had caused. They seduce and flirt with whoever they fancy. They break people with their words. Their Gift of Gab is used only to benefit them.
Their gift, to speak the right words, at the right time has something else more sinister at work. When a narcissist is conversing with the intent to persuade or achieve something, it’s almost like they are putting the recipient under a spell. Words are very powerful in their own right but the narcissist has an extra demonic force at work that leaves the hearer almost captivated or entranced. As a result they are open to believing what the narcisisst is saying or open to grant the request of the narcissist.
This is a topic I have covered in a YouTube Video just released today. It is called The Dangers of Conversing With A Narcissist.
Narcissists are given a gift in exchange for their co-operation with the dark side and that is the Gift of Gab. But because of the success a narcissist sees in their life, they tend to attribute it to God or a higher power, if they are religious (and many tend to be). And therefore think that God must be pleased with them because of all the blessings that they are receiving or for how favoured they are. This is the ultimate deception with the narcissist. The source of their success comes from a much darker place but this denial keeps them trapped and their success makes them unwilling to change anything about their lives.
Many who have been hurt by a narcissist have questioned; When is the narcissist going to be punished? When will they get their Karma? They ask this, because as far as they are concerned, the narcissist carries on to be successful and happy. What they don’t understand is, that appearance of success and happiness is and will always be the narcissist’s downfall because their soul is lost. In exchange for worldly success they are being eaten alive and they don’t even know it. They are blinded! But, when the scales are removed from their eyes and all the people who at one time genuinely cared for them can no longer be found. Then, the darkness will reveal itself and claim what is rightfully theirs.
Narcissists are deluded into thinking that their actions will go unpunished! They are foolish to think that they can destroy so many lives and not suffer any loss.
So, although the narcissist has a temporal reward and seem to be living it up and living it well; is it worth it to gain the whole world and lose your soul? I think not!
The moral of this post is not to envy or be jealous of people who are successful because you do not know the price that they have paid to get what they have. Also, don’t believe that because someone appears to have a good life mean they actually do.
So now you know who or what a narcissist is, your next question maybe: But how do they get this way? How does someone become a narcissist? Well, narcissists are everywhere. They are in the schools, the churches, the work place and every social organisation there is. We also have many people walking around who do not have the Narcissistic Personality Disorder but have narcissistic traits. Narcissism is becoming an everyday thing that many people have to deal with in different areas of their lives.
I believe that there are 3 different ways in which someone can become a narcissist. It’s either the result of child abuse, inherited or learnt. I believe children can be narcissists as well but doctors refuse to diagnose them with NPD until they are young adults which is unfortunate because by then it’s too late to do much with them. The narcissism is no longer a seed but a full grown tree!
Child Abuse Creates Narcissists
Not all children who are abused become narcissists but many do! For those that do, narcissism is something that begins in childhood as a coping mechanism to deal with abuse, neglect or abandonment. The child creates an alter ego that they think is better and separate from who they really are. They tell a lot of lies to push aside the reality of what they are actually going through and cover up the wounded child inside. They don’t just lie to others, they lie to themselves. They try to bury the pain and hurt deep inside. As the child grows these behaviours are perfected and embedded into their personality. Who they really are or were is replaced by this alter ego which has become their mask to the world. Children are very susceptible to spiritual attacks as well and the abuse makes them ten times more susceptible. I believe that’s when an entity would enter and start directing their thoughts and that’s why the pattern for these narcissists are always the same. These entities are from the same demonic source.
Narcissism Can Be Inherited
My second theory is that some people are born narcissists. This is due to the spiritual element of narcissism that I believe in. Narcissism is like a generational curse that can be passed down from one generation to the next. So even if that child had to be put up for adoption to parents who are not narcissists if any of their biological parents were narcissists that child can still end up being a fully blown narcissist.
Generational curses sometimes skip a generation or does not affect every descendent. So if a narcissist has 3 children at least one is guaranteed to be a narcissist. The demonic entities never die and they are always looking for a host and for them it’s easier to stay within a family where they know they have already had success. So, for some people out there I believe they are simply born narcissists.
Narcissism Can Be Learnt
My final theory is that narcissism can be learnt. It’s a learned behaviour for some narcissists. This happens especially with children who have a parent who is a Covert Narcissist. Many of these children did not suffer any physical or verbal abuse but usually that of the insidious nature. Covert Narcissistic mothers tend to teach their children narcissism without even realising and that doesn’t include the simple fact that children look up to their parents, as their first examples as to how they should conduct themselves. So Yes, just like that they pick up their narcissistic behaviours and mannerisms. They learn that outside the home they have to wear a mask. The learn to gas-light, manipulate and lie profusely. They learn to shift blame and never take accountability for when things go wrong. They learn to hold grudges and never forgive. They learn to fake emotions. They become what that narcissistic parent wants them to be. What that child doesn’t know is that they are picking up more than toxic behaviours, they are opening up themselves to a demonic entity who thrives in a narcissistic mind.
Some people are co-dependants meaning they depend heavily on others to validate them. They look to others to decide how they should be as a person. Children who are this way will do whatever is necessary to please that parent; but what if that parent is a narcissist? These types of children are likely to become the golden child who the narcissistic parent dotes about as they are so eager to please them. As a result, the baton of narcissism is usually past to this co-dependent golden child.
This can happen not only to children but a co-dependent adult who is in a relationship with a narcissist. They take on the toxic behaviours of their spouse/partner a lot easier than someone who is not a co-dependent. They can go from just developing a few narcissistic traits to becoming full blown narcissists depending on how long they stay in a relationship with a narcissist. I call these types of narcissists Co-dependent narcissists. They can become narcissists as children or as adults it all comes down to exposure.
There is a phenomenon that occurs in the Narcissistic household. And that is where the Scapegoated Child (the one singled out for blame and negative treatment) later becomes the new Golden Child (the Narcissist’s pride and joy). This can happen for a variety of reasons but it usually happens once the children are all grown up. Because if that Golden Child manages to become independent of that Narcissistic Parent, they tend to pull away from them completely and the Scapegoat child is usually willing and open to take their place.
Why would something like this happen?
Well, let’s first look at what life is like for the Golden Child and the Scapegoat while in the care of their Narcissistic Parent. In many cases the Golden Child is or becomes a co-dependent. One that comes to live to please the Narcissistic Parent but also becomes totally dependent on them, emotionally and otherwise. They tend to get a lot of attention and validation from the Narcissistic Parent, whereas the Scapegoat is usually neglected and unfairly treated. They are also usually the target of the Narcissistic parent rages and maybe even physical and verbal abuse.
The divide between these two children is vast and constantly encouraged because it allows the Narcissistic Parent to get both negative and positive supply. Narcissistic Supply for the Narcissist comes in two forms; The Positive Supply, which would be the adoration, love and attention they get from the Golden Child. And then there is the Negative Supply, which would be as a result of the hurt and pain they inflict upon the Scapegoat. So, having these conflicting relationships within their household is exactly what a Narcissist wants. To understand more about Narcissistic Supply please see the video below:
The Scapegoated Child is starved of attention, love and overall validation. And many keep seeking it even long after they have grown and started their own families. They still desire the approval and love of their Narcissistic Parent. So, when the Golden Child ends up abandoning this Narcissistic Parent or fails miserably and are no longer the Narcissistic Parent’s pride and joy, the Narcissistic Parent turns to the Scapegoat. And because the Scapegoat is so hungry for the validation and love of the Narcissistic Parent, they are ready and willing to accept the change and would even side with them against the ex-Golden Child. Because unless the Scapegoat is aware that their parent is a Narcissist who is just manipulating and using them; the chances of them being the new Golden Child is very high.
Narcissistic Parents create very toxic household where the children feel as if they have to compete for the love and attention of the Narcissistic Parent. Sibling rivalry is rife and the relationship between the children themselves suffers miserably and can last a life-time. But the Narcissist does not care about that. All the Narcissist cares about is what they can get from these children and how best they can be used to serve the interest and desires of the Narcissist.
But to conclude, the roles of who plays the Golden Child and the Scapegoated Child can change. But in either circumstance the Narcissist never really loves or appreciate any of them, as Narcissists know only how to use and abuse.
Sleep is essential and needed by everyone, but many Narcissists can find sleep very stressful as their dreams can be very disturbing. But before I get into that I want to quickly address the different sleep patterns. Firstly, there are those Narcissists who struggle to fall asleep as they are kept awake worrying, over-thinking, scheming or indulging in their obsessions/addictions. Then there are those who manage to sleep well at night, as they feel like they are in sufficient control of their lives and the people around them. Don’t get me wrong: they are by no means satisfied or no longer without fear but control helps to abate some of that fear. For more on what keeps a Narcissist awake at night please see the video below:
When it comes to their dreams, Narcissists’ dreams are packed with as much excitement as their lives, when they are awake. And it has a lot to do with the fact that Narcissists are PARANOID. Their Paranoia affects every area of their life including their dreams.
Therefore suffering from Paranoia means, there is bound to be an elevated, constant level of fear that has no substance in reality. They are also bound to be very defensive and distrusting of everyone around them. This is one of the reasons why they hate people and view everyone as competition.
But this Paranoia also transfers over into their sleep. Their dreams mirror the thoughts that are running through their subconscious, day in and day out. As a result, Narcissists tend to have a lot of nightmares where they are being chased or attacked by a foreign entity/entities or people they know. They may also dream about their spouse or partner cheating on them or being taken advantaged of in some way. As a result, the fear of being cheated on, attacked or abused never subsides. Therefore, Narcissists cannot escape this prevailing feeling of expected doom or dread.
Some of their dreams are blatant spiritual attacks where a demonic entity is trying to hurt them. In these instances, the Narcissist would scream or be very restless in their sleep. Sometimes mumbling or trying to fight off something. Unfortunately, for the Narcissist, the demon that they host hates them and wants to destroy them. And when they sleep, the entity seems to have more control. Also, depending on how bad things can get, the Narcissist would dread going to sleep or would be terrified of the thought of sleeping alone.
But to conclude, these nightmares are a norm to the Narcissist and they probably think everyone else has these types of dreams, as often as they do. So although, these dreams can be a very frightening, regular occurrence they do not give a second thought to the possibility that something is not right. And like everything else negative, they would prefer to pretend that this is not the case and just secretly carry on fearing what is waiting for them when they fall asleep.
Narcissists have no peace when they are awake or when they are asleep. They are tormented souls! Narcissists live in fear and will die in fear if their mental and spiritual health is not addressed.
When you believe in more than the physical world that you can see, you are more careful with the people you interact with and let into your space. You are more aware of the spiritual connections that can be made. So, when it comes to engaging with Narcissists it is not something to take lightly.
Narcissists are spiritually sick. Within them is a dark entity that wants to hurt and destroy everyone that the Narcissist comes in contact with. Narcissists can be very charming and influential. They are not the type of people to let your guard down around. They can pull you into gossiping about someone. They can get you to side with them to go against someone. They lie, manipulate and deceive to get their way.
From the words they speak, to their physical touch, they slowly start breaking down your boundaries. The dark force aids the Narcissist in trapping people. But they only can trap you if you give them access to your life. And they can only gain access to your life if you become emotionally invested in them. And you become emotionally invested in them when you listen to what they tell you and allow them to be physically close to you.
Narcissists are like vampires. They can only enter your home (or life) if you invite them in. And as the story goes; vampires seduce and charm people to get them to invite them in. Once inside, you see them for who they really are but by then it is too late. Vampires suck your blood, whereas the Narcissists sucks you of your light and good energy. With all these similarities we can safely say that Narcissists are Energy or Emotional Vampires.
What Narcissists can also do with a touch, is transfer their negative energy to you. They can contaminate your spirit with a word or a touch. Therefore you cannot underestimate the effects a Narcissist can have on you. You have to enter their presence mentally and spiritually armed to ward off any assaults.
For those who have been in a long-term relationship with a Narcissist it can feel like you, yourself have become Narcissistic. But it is because the Narcissist has contaminated your spirit where some of their darkness have been transferred to you. Therefore, you are likely to have more negative thoughts and emotions which can lead to depression and anxiety. Breaking free from a Narcissist is not just a physical event. There is also a spiritual and mental separation that needs to take place.
Narcissists are bad news. They have come only to steal, kill and destroy. We cannot afford to let our guards down. We have to keep them at arms length and not allow them to smile or charm their way into our lives ever again.
Today’s post is written by Jenny Tamasi, who is a registered psychologist and author of, The Psychologist & Her Narcissists: A Guide To Surviving Toxic Relationships.
I really enjoy and try to apply the expression, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade” to my own sufferings and I encourage my clients to do so too. Being in a relationship with a Narcissist is like having to keep a big sour lemon on your tongue for a prolonged time period, which can leave a very bad taste in your mouth. One of the things survivors can always control is how they think about, recover from, and move on from Narcissistic Abuse. Even though the task may seem scary and daunting, you really can decide to make lemonade out of the narcissistic lemon that you had in your life and this can be the most validating and satisfying part of your journey.
When I refer to making lemonade, I am referring to you doing something positive, uplifting, and healing for yourself after your narcissistic relationship ends. I do not mean that you punish your Narcissist, seek revenge, or enjoy any suffering that life hands their way. I mean you grow, evolve, and do something great that makes you feel proud. My lemonade was writing my book and helping other survivors of Narcissistic Abuse to heal. I had the privilege and honour of turning my pain into something that helps others and continues to help me.
I am not unique; there are countless survivors of Narcissistic Abuse who have joined the “lemonade club”. These brave men and women have taken the lessons that they learned from Narcissists and turned their pain and suffering into something inspirational and beautiful. I am in the process of continuing my research and gathering materials for my next book and wanted to highlight the story of a very inspirational survivor who really turned a sour lemon into a fine glass of lemonade.
Rose is a friend of one of my relatives who is a survivor of Narcissistic Abuse. She is now retired and in her 70s but still has a passion for working and helping others. Rose presents as a smart, confident, artistic, and elegant woman. She exudes style and confidence when she enters a room and has a very warm and caring way about her. Rose is easy to talk to and has a beautiful energy that is easy to feel in her presence. Rose had an extremely successful business career where she fought hard for gender equality and supported countless women in addition to her day-to-day duties. Interestingly Rose’s passion for women’s rights, equality, and achievement was sparked by a long marriage to a malignant grandiose Narcissist. Let me share a little more with you about Rose’s journey.
Rose got married very young and did not have a lot of experience with dating. She married her high school sweetheart when she was 19 and was excited about becoming a wife and a mother. Rose grew up in a family with an alcoholic father and from an early age she learned how to make excuses, fib, and put on a good face to cover up for her dad’s drinking problem. Rose had a lovely and supportive mother but saw her fiancé as her only ticket out of poverty.
Rose’s husband already had a college degree and job when they got married. Rose felt that she was in love but now when reflecting on her relationship, she is able to identify many red flags.
Rose said, “Looking back there were just so many red flags that I didn’t see at the time, I knew of the word narcissism but I didn’t really understand what it was.”
Rose’s husband always needed attention, would talk bad about others if they were getting attention that he wanted, had a temper and anger problems, would put Rose down, controlled Rose with money, acted erratically, woke up in the middle of the night to make phone calls, and would go on extended business trips.
“He had two sides; when we would go to work events he would be so charismatic and charming to other women right in front of me and I remember thinking who is this guy? He isn’t like this with me at home, at work he seemed like a different person.”
Eventually Rose found out that her husband was a serial cheater and had multiple affairs. This was devastating to Rose but due to her values about marriage, she wanted to try to save her relationship.
“At that time I had a daughter and I had no job, I also thought I had to stay and keep my family together, that was the right thing to do.”
Over the years, Rose’s husband’s behaviours took a toll on her. He would disappear, lie, and be nasty to her. Rose would often find herself crying on the floor and stated how her sister and mother carried her through and emotionally supported her during her dysfunctional marriage.
“I don’t know what I would have done without the support of my dear mother and sister; they always listened to me and put the focus on me. They never said anything bad about my husband but would say ‘alright we have talked about him enough, now let’s talk about you, what you are going to do?’”
Rose’s husband was a lot for any person to deal with. He hid money from Rose but found a way to get his pilot’s license and buy a small plane so he could fly to visit his girlfriends he met on business trips behind Rose’s back. Her husband seemed to have a very strong need for supply, even leaving her bedside when Rose was having surgery so he could visit a girlfriend in a nearby city.
“Sometimes he would be shaking because his addiction to the other woman was so strong and he just wanted to see her so much and I would just look at him and tell him to just go, I didn’t even care anymore.”
The betrayals were painful and caused Rose a great deal of anger and shame that eventually turned into indifference. Even though at times Rose still got angry, she was not the one with the anger problem in this marriage.
Rose’s husband had a short fuse and seemed to always be angry and she never quite knew what would set him off. He would often demonstrate explosive behaviours over trivial things. In his rages, her husband once tried to run Rose over with his car and on another occasion Rose jumped out of the car because of his erratic driving and the police had to intervene. Rose decided to downplay the situation and let the officer know that everything was fine and got back into the car to avoid causing a scene.
“I was terrified, I thought he was going to kill me but when the police officer came, I smoothed things over and said we were just arguing and that things were fine. Looking back I can’t believe I allowed that.”
Rose eventually got sick and tired of the verbal abuse, walking on eggshells and the constant affairs. At this time, Rose did not have financial independence or any income. She was a stay at home mother and did not have a university degree or many employable work skills. Even though her husband liked to tell Rose that she was “stupid” Rose knew that she was smart. She decided to enroll in University when she was 34 years old. Her plan was to get a degree so she could get a job, support herself and her daughter, and leave her marriage.
“I was the oldest student in all of my classes and the only person to graduate with grey hair but this was an advantage because I didn’t go out drinking and was focused on my work. I threw myself into my studies and excelling academically meant so much to me.”
Rose flourished at school and started to take classes in what was a new field at that time, Gender and Women’s studies. The course material really resonated with Rose. Rose said that she felt passionate about women’s rights and began to go to rallies and protests.
“I truly found my voice and passion when I became involved in the women’s rights movement and decided that I wanted to help other women to achieve and to feel strong.”
Rose was an excellent student and easily found a good job after graduation, allowing her to finally file for divorce. In true narcissistic fashion, her husband tried to hide money, liquidate assets, and blamed her for “looking for the women he had affairs with”. However, eventually the divorce was settled and then what did Rose do?
Rose thrived. Even though she was a single mother entering a competitive male dominated industry late in life, Rose went on to have an extremely successful career. In addition to her workplace duties, she started support groups for women and fought hard to raise awareness about the gender gap in wages. She served as a mentor and role model for multiple women in her field and improved the work environment for countless others.
“Over the years I was my husband’s sounding board and even counsel when it came to business issues. He was always talking about himself and I always had to listen. I learned a lot about business from him and even took a job in a very similar field because I knew the background and I knew I could do well, even better than he did.”
During our conversation, Rose said that she is now thankful for her narcissistic husband because his mistreatment pushed her to go back to school, be more independent, and to fight for other women’s rights. Rose attributes a great deal of her success to hitting an emotional rock bottom and having to pick herself up and find a way to support herself and her little girl.
“My husband thought that for me going to University was like taking a cooking class, a distraction, and a way for me to get out of his hair. He never thought I would actually do anything serious with my education but as soon as I graduated and even before, I was planning my exit and how I was going to support my daughter.”
Rose said that she would like to share with other survivors that narcissists do not change and often get worse. She advises fellow survivors that when a narcissist shows you their true colours, head for the hills and don’t give second chances. Rose also said that she encourages women to go to school and work to help secure their identity and independence, but did recognise that even with a job and degree; it is not easy to leave an abusive relationship.
What do I like about Rose’s lemonade story? She did not let her age or lack of skills stop her from pursuing an education and then a career. Rose was fortunate that she married a financially secure man and had a supportive family but there is always a way to improve your situation. It is never easy, but you can do things to make your life better. Rose is a great example of how it is never too late to start over and to reinvent yourself. Rose’s horrific story of verbal and emotional abuse sparked a passion for helping and advocating for other women. I think it is very powerful to picture her marching and protesting at women’s rights rallies. How inspiring that she found her voice and used it to help others!
Rose eventually did become much more successful in business than her first husband ever was. I particularly love this part! Go Rose! I admire that Rose was not afraid to ask for help and support when she needed it and was willing to take big risks to take care of herself and her child. Maybe it would be fair to say that Rose was stuck for many years but she found a way to get unstuck and stand up and provide for herself and her family. Eventually Rose got her storybook ending; she re-married a very kind and gentle man, has a great relationship with her daughter and frequently visits with her grandchildren and due to her successful business career can fully enjoy her retirement.
Rose, the daughter of an alcoholic who was raised in poverty and married an abusive, unfaithful Narcissist when she was 19 turned out to be a strong, extremely successful, secure, and healthy woman. Remember where you start in life does not dictate where you will end. Your choices have a lot to do with that. Now Rose is enjoying her life and living as her best self, a joyful, liberated, narcissist-free self.
“If it wasn’t for being married to a Narcissist I would not be the women that I am today, I am thankful that I went through that.”
Way to look at the positive Rose and make lemonade out of lemons!
Names and demographic data have been changed to protect the identity of the individual mention in this case study. The individual consented to her story being represented for educational purposes.
By Jenny Tamasi, survivor and author of The Psychologist and Her Narcissists: A Guide to Surviving Toxic Relationships
Narcissists have a lot of pent up shame. Under that flashy image and fake smile is someone who feels worthless, ugly, unloveable and ashamed.
But where does this shame come from?
Enquiring minds want to know.
Narcissists are made in different ways. Not all Narcissists had a traumatic childhood of abuse and abandonment. For some Narcissists they may have inherited the Narcissism from their parent without even having spent a day with that parent. Narcissism can also be learnt. No matter which way a Narcissist is formed it is the Spirit of Narcissism that attaches themselves to them that make them all the same.
If you don’t know by now, I believe Narcissists are demonically possessed. The Evil Entity that resides within the Narcissist comes with a few gifts and burdens. But the burdens out weigh the gifts. And the Covert Narcissist’s True Self becomes more of a reflection of the Evil Entity that possesses them. Basically, the person in which the Spirit of Narcissism resides becomes more or less what the Spririt of Narcissism itself it is. For example: Narcissists are negative balls of energy because that is what the Spirit of Narcissism is. A big ball of negative energy. The Evil Entity hates people; so the Narcissist hates people. The Evil Entity controls the Narcissist, so the Narcissist tries to control others. The Evil Entity feeds lies to the Narcissist and the Narcissist lies to others. The Evil Entity makes the Narcissist feel worthless and miserable and the Narcissist in turn makes others feel worthless and miserable.
Narcissists make people’s lives miserable because The Evil Entity makes their life miserable. And this is where the Shame comes into it. That same negative, Evil Entity makes the Narcissist feel like they are worthless. It makes them feel that they are nothing, and nothing they do will ever be enough. This Evil Entity influences the Narcissist to do things that they are later ashamed of and prefer to forget. The Evil Entity is like an internal black-mailer who taunts and oppresses the Narcissist every chance it gets. The Narcissist only gets relief when they themselves are inflicting pain on others, as the darkness within them feeds off of the hurt and suffering of others including the Narcissist.
But when the Narcissist is able to hurt you and break you it makes them feel good because the Evil Entity feels good and praises their efforts. Your pain gives the Narcissist relief from their inner torment. They themselves do not seem to realise or want to accept that they are not alone in their heads. And that the shame they feel for their True Self is a result of the foreign entity that has taken them over and controls and assaults their mind and spirit.
Therefore, they see their True Self , which is sadistic, dark and miserable as something to hide from the world. They know they ain’t right! The know their wicked behaviours are not acceptable but instead of admitting and owning up to this imperfection they prefer to keep it hidden. They prefer to wear a mask and cultivate a fake image and made-up persona to fit in and develop relationships.
The Narcissist’s Shame will remain as long as they remain a Narcissist. The Evil Entity will not give them any peace and will keep them feeling worthless and miserable. The Evil Entity will also continue to drive them to do things they are ashamed of to add to their existing shame. It’s a never-ending cycle to keep the Narcissist in a loop of frutration that they cannot escape.
The awareness and understanding of Narcissists and Narcissism is more prevalent than ever. So, these terms have become mainstream and are being used more and more every day. As a result, Narcissists are being exposed, which has led to some of them hitting Rock Bottom and seeking change.
There are only a few things that can drive a Narcissist to this point of wanting change and it usually involves their world falling apart. Whether it’s the loss of a major source of supply, imprisonment or bankruptcy; these are the types of life altering events that tend to drive a Narcissist to seek change.
But the ‘Help’ that they choose can make this situation of dealing with Narcissists even more complicated. Because it all comes down to whether it is viewed only as a Mental Illness or an Illness of the Soul as well.
And as some people argue, that it is just a Mental Illness, the number 1. recommendation is usually to get therapy. But even therapy has its limits and cannot cure a Narcissist. What therapy does is make a Narcissist aware of who they are and the traits that they have that are deemed dangerous or harmful to others, or those closest to them. So, in this instance the Narcissist has a choice: they can choose to work to change those negative traits or use the knowledge they’ve received to refine their craft.
And because I believe Narcissism is more than a Mental Illness, I strongly do not believe that the Evil Entity that possesses them will let go of them so easy. Instead, it will deceive them into thinking that their traits, that are deemed hurtful and negative, are not. It will convince them that these traits protect them and that others do not understand. These are the types of thoughts that will be fed to the Narcissist to feed their ego and validate their pride and superiority. Because unless the Narcissist is aware that there is a spiritual element at work that wants to keep them bound, there will be no healing or deliverance.
Therefore, An Aware Narcissist does not mean a better Narcissist; as Empathy is still missing from the equation. Because when these Evil Entities possess someone, the first thing that is turned off, is Empathy. And without genuine Empathy an Aware Narcissist is now capable of manipulating people and situations better than before.
Their hearts are still dark and their spirits are still tainted by the malevolent force that controls them. Therapy is nothing more than a band-aid that doesn’t address the root problem. Instead, it aids the Narcissist to create another mask. A mask, that deceives others into thinking that they are changed or changing. A mask, that allows them to receive further empathy. A mask that allows them to hide the lower depths to which they have just sunk.
With this new found information and acceptance, which should be a driving force for change, many Narcissists choose to deal with it in one of two ways. They can either keep it to themselves or publicise it. Those that keep it to themselves are still dealing with issues of fear and shame. Whereas those who publicise it have embraced the evil with in and are no longer ashamed or fearful. The latter is what we should be more concerned about as they may have just crossed over from just being a Narcissist to a Narcissistic Psychopath.
This is something I have always thought possible. And that is why I say many/all Psychopaths are Narcissists but not all Narcissists are Psychopaths (at least not yet). Basically, I see the Publicised Aware Narcissist the same way as I view a Narcissistic Psychopath. They are both aware and unashamed of their Narcissistic Tendencies and use them to benefit themselves and master others.
Many people continue to be drawn to these so called Aware Narcissists mainly because of their magnetic charm and hopes that they will reveal more about Narcissists than a victim of Narcissistic abuse could. But they are not realising, that in purposefully listening to a Narcissist it weakens their defences against future Narcissists. And above all, Narcissists are still pathological liars whether they are aware of their behaviours or not.
To conclude, many Narcissists in therapy will try to change but that change is usually only temporary until their life is back on track. And it’s because they never dealt with the source of the problem. So many regress back into their old habits and some just learn to stay under the radar.
Narcissists are evolving! The awareness of Narcissists and Narcissism is creating a new breed of Narcissists. But do not be deceived! Because a Narcissist is in therapy, it does not mean that will make them better. You still need to tread carefully. A Narcissist needs their mind, body and spirit cleansed, in order for them to be whole again.
Seeing a therapist alone will not change them but instead awaken them to a deeper level of deception.
Narcissists are still humans, but they have been taken over by an Evil Entity. Therefore their mission, while possessed is to kill, steal and destroy whoever they can. Therefore, the aim should be to rid them of that Entity, which then would reignite their Empathy, then and only then will therapy be beneficial.There are many ways to get rid of these negative energies. Many cultures and religions have their different ways. This is something I will get into in a later post.
But remember to, Beware of all Narcissists including the Self-Aware Narcissist, who are even more dangerous than a Narcissist, who doesn’t know or accepted that they are a Narcissist. Also, I do believe a Narcissist can change but Psycho-Therapy alone is not the answer.
Today’s post is written by Jenny Tamasi, who is a registered psychologist and author of, The Psychologist & Her Narcissists: A Guide To Surviving Toxic Relationships.
How did I not know about the Narcissist’s Double life?
Living two, three, four, or more lives is typical for many Narcissists. It truly is amazing how they can compartmentalize and keep everything straight for so long. Many do get caught, but they tend not to learn their lessons and just pick up a few more lives next time around. Finding out that you are in a relationship with someone who has another wife, girlfriend, family, or identity is devastating. I have been here twice and each time discovering the level of deceit and duplicity of my former partners was extremely shocking and painful.
Let’s start off by having a look at why a Narcissist does this. First of all, they lack empathy. They think of themselves and their needs first. They do not feel guilt or sadness when they are betraying a partner. Also, they do know that what they are doing is wrong, they just do not care. How can they be so cold? Well, many Narcissists lack object consistency. This means if you are out of sight, you are out of their mind. When they are with you, they can make you believe that you are the center of their world but once they are not in close proximity to you, they don’t really care about you or your feelings.
Remember some experts consider Narcissism to be associated with attachment disorders. Narcissists struggle with intimacy, loyalty, and connection and do not attach in relationships in a healthy way. They can put on a great show and make you think that they are in love with you, but their feelings for you are likely very superficial and fleeting. I know this stings because they really do convince us their intentions are pure.
Narcissists are also excellent at compartmentalizing their lives and easily place individuals in boxes that meet their needs. Plus, Narcissists fear boredom and are excitement seekers, I personally think that they like to play a “catch me if you can” game and get off on pushing the limits to see how much they can get away with. And to top it all off, Narcissists need supply, an external source of attention and validation, and always having the same source of supply is dull to them.
Unfortunately, all of these negative traits line up nicely with living multiple lives. Narcissists get a rush, excitement, attention and usually a lot of extra things that they are seeking with their multiple lives; like housing, money, gifts, sex, attention, vacations and the list can just go on and on. I can barely manage my life and one dog. So, I cannot imagine how anyone would want to have multiple personas and relationships! It just seems like so much work and energy! I also crave stability and security, and these are two traits that Narcissists do not value one bit. The desire to lead a double life is just not in my nature (or in the nature of any other decent human being).
My two Narcissists both had double lives. One, a physician who was jet setting around the world and impregnated a woman behind my back and the other a police officer, who had multiple girlfriends all living in the same town as myself, but I didn’t discover for years. How didn’t I know? And how did this happen to me twice? Well, there is a saying that deep down inside women always know when they are being betrayed.
I think most people suspect something fishy when they are being lied to over and over again, it is just hard to put your finger on it. This is your brain and body’s natural inclination to protect you. I didn’t listen to my intuition. I did feel that something was off or that at times their explanations didn’t make sense, but I was trying to be my “people pleasing self”, not make any waves, and tuned out that feeling in my gut. I also rationalized their behaviors and decided to live in denial and just focus on the good stuff. These decisions were all big mistakes! Always listen to your gut Guys and Gals and be honest with yourself about what is going on in your relationship. Even if you have to admit things that may end the relationship, make sure you are checking in with yourself about what you are observing and feeling.
I think another reason I was easily fooled by my ex Narcissists was because I would never ever do something like live a double life. I have too much empathy and would be haunted by guilt and anxiety. I would hate the feeling of always looking over my shoulder or being afraid of getting caught but most of all I wouldn’t want to hurt and disappoint my partner or ruin my relationship. I like to think most healthy people feel the same way. But, Narcissists are not healthy people!
It is easy to feel embarrassed and to beat yourself up if your Narcissist was living multiple lives. Remember, they are the ones who should feel embarrassed for their selfish actions, do not put that on yourself. When someone manipulates, lies and deceives you that is on them, always. If you didn’t have experience with a “double lifer” previously and if you are an honest person with values, you would never anticipate that someone would behave this way. This does not mean that you are stupid or that any of their behavior is your fault.
Hey, I had two Narcissists who lived multiple lives and I’m a psychologist. It really can happen to anyone. The good news is that, now you know that there are people out there who have double lives and double identities, you know to pay attention to your intuition, and you know to look out for red flags. These exploitative and manipulative people are very dangerous in interpersonal relationships. Once you discover the double life of a Narcissist, it is time to develop an exit plan ASAP. I know it is tough, but you are strong and you will be better off in the long run.
Sending you lots of love,
Jenny Tamasi, Survivor and Author of The Psychologist & Her Narcissists A Guide to Surviving Toxic Relationships
Today’s post is written by Jenny Tamasi, who is a registered psychologist and author of, The Psychologist & Her Narcissists: A Guide To Surviving Toxic Relationships.
What do Addicts and Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse have in Common?
This is a question I think about often because I have clients who struggle with addictions and I can really relate to some of the experiences that have been shared with me in my office. In my humble opinion as a therapist there actually are quite a bit of similarities between us survivors and individuals suffering from addictions. At the very least I have seen them in myself. Let me try to explain what I mean here. If you have ever been with an addict when they need their next hit or are in withdrawal you can almost feel their panic, anxiety, and sense of urgency. Depending on their level of dependency and what their addiction is, certain addicts would do almost anything to find their next fix. Once they take that drink or drug, the addict feels a sense of calm and relief and temporarily all is good in their world; However, this calm and peaceful state doesn’t last too long and before they know it, they are desperate for that next high when the substance leaves their system.
If you are a survivor or still in a narcissistic relationship you probably know all too well the power of Trauma Bonding and the confusion that is caused by the cycle of love-bombing, idealization, devaluation and discard. Many Narcissists like for us to be dependent on them either emotionally or financially so they can control, manipulate and abuse us. They are masters at creating this dependency without their victims understanding or knowing that is their goal. The prince or princess charming act, sweeps us off our feet and that mask that they showed us during the love-bombing phase becomes the drug that we crave.
I know that when my Narcissist would play push-pull games I would feel so confused, panicked, and anxious. I would rack my brain trying to figure out what was going on and how I could make it better. I was willing to do anything to make the relationship work and felt so dysregulated when he would suddenly disappear. This caused such disruption in my eating, sleeping and even my ability to go to work. I just didn’t feel like me! Eventually he would come back, show me attention, give me just enough affection and I would feel that sense of relief, just like the addict does when he/she takes a hit. I would then feel hopeful that my wonderful romantic thoughtful most perfect partner (who never really existed) was back or at least on his way back…… but then the cycle would start all over again. Before I knew it, I was in another state of panic and urgency trying to get him to come back and make things better.
The more times that you go through this cycle and the more extreme differences you see from the love-bombing to the discard phase, the more you are going to feel confused, panicked, and anxious, which is comparable to an addict looking for that fix. Just like how your body can develop a dependency on a substance, you can also feel the same way about a person. Unfortunately, the way the central nervous system works and the chemicals that your body releases during the cycles of narcissistic abuse are the same in both instances. Cognitively, I knew that my relationship was unhealthy and that this was a self-destructive pattern but I was so deep into the Trauma Bond and so desperate for love and that “fix”, I kept engaging in behaviors that were bad for me again and again.
Also, similarly to some individuals struggling with addictions I was in denial. I focused and put too much weight on how I felt when I had my Narcissist and decided to ignore the chaos, pain, and problems he was causing in my life when he would disappear. My friends and family would try to intervene and tell me I needed to “quit” him but their words went in one ear and out the other. I wanted what I wanted and unfortunately that was a toxic relationship. I just wasn’t able to think clearly because both my brain and central nervous system were offline!
Going No Contact, just like quitting a substance cold turkey, is hard work and sometimes depending on your circumstances, not realistic right away. But just like with drinking or drugs, where you need to quit and not use the substance anymore in order to kick the habit; you also need to distance yourself from people and things associated with your old “addict lifestyle”. Just like with addictions, there is so much temptation “to use” and many people relapse, just like us survivors can during the hoovering process.
The good news is that addictions and narcissistic abuse recovery also have something important in common; these are two very treatable conditions. You do not have to stay stuck here. You can break free, get treatment, figure out the patterns and get healthy. Even if you relapse and fall off the “narcissistic survivor wagon”, you can start over and get back on. Remember to be kind to yourself if this happens. Your central nervous system and other centers of your brain have been altered and impacted by toxic love but you can heal and become healthy……. And you will!
Sending you lots of love
Jenny Tamasi, Survivor and Author of The Psychologist & Her Narcissists A Guide to Surviving Toxic Relationships
This is something that I needed to address as I get a few Narcissistic Psychopaths in the Comments section of my YouTube videos, leaving comments like these:
You can pick up on their pride and superiority complex, which Narcissists have as well. But the Narcissistic Psychopath who thinks they are just Narcissists do not realise that simple Narcissists are more fearful, terrified of being put to shame and avoid being associated with anything negative. And instead of thinking that they maybe wrong, they instead think I am wrong and that I do not understand Narcissists.
As I have explained previously; Narcissists and Psychopaths have a lot in common and it’s a proven fact that many Psychopaths are Narcissistic. Narcissism is a common trait for nearly all if not all personality disorders. But it is clear that many Narcissistic Psychopaths do not realise that they are Psychopaths instead of the run of the mill Narcissists.
They identify themselves in a lot of the Narcissistic traits and happily own up to it but just by doing that they have set themselves apart from Narcissists who do not own up to these negative qualities as they would be rather ashamed them. Whereas the Narcissistic Psychopath is well aware and unashamed of who they are and what they are capable of.
The problem is that there is a lot of talk about Narcissists, but no clear statement being made that all the Cluster b’s, Psychopaths and Sociopaths are all Narcissistic to the core. So, as a result we end up with Psychopaths and Sociopaths claiming to be just Narcissistic when it is so much more than that.
The problem of Narcissists and Narcissism is out of control and they are all coming out of the wood-work. Whether they are just Narcissists or Narcissistic Psychopaths they both pose a threat to our well-being.
If you want to know more about the Narcissistic Psychopath and the similarities they share with Narcissists please read my previous post HERE. Knowing the difference will help people to understand better what they are dealing with and the Narcissistic Psychopath to realise they are not just Narcissists.
Today’s post is written by Jenny Tamasi, who is a registered psychologist and author of, The Psychologist & Her Narcissists: A Guide To Surviving Toxic Relationships.
Radical Acceptance is a concept that emerged from Dialectical Behavior Therapy and it is a very useful skill to apply when dealing with current or past relationships with Narcissists. Radical Acceptance is a concept that can be applied to narcissistic coworkers, neighbors, friends, supervisors, family, or romantic partners. Radical Acceptance is a technique that you can use when you feel frustrated, betrayed, hurt, or let down by someone and you get stuck in that emotional state. This is a great skill to learn if you have a Narcissist in your life; which is very likely as they are everywhere! So, unfortunately, you probably have more than one to deal with.
You can voluntarily end some relationships, but some are tricky to leave, like your relationship with your mother, your grumpy neighbor, or your boss. If you are in a romantic relationship with a Narcissist, due to financial obligations, children, or cultural norms, you may decide to stay in that relationship. You always need to do what is right for you and what makes sense. No judgement here! Sometimes we have to interact with people who are not good for our emotional wellbeing and this can take a toll on our mental health. You often cannot control whom you will see and interact with, but you can always control how you think about and how you react to Narcissists.
When you radically accept something, you are accepting the facts and the reality of the situation, including all the positives and the negatives. Radical Acceptance is the opposite of living in denial. You also let go of control or judging what happened when you decide to practice Radical Acceptance. Also, when you practice Radical Acceptance, you do not try to fix or change the situation. Instead, you accept that “It is what it is” and you set realistic expectations.
Emotionally, when you radically accept something, you name and honor your feelings around the person or event. You are honest with yourself and you do not deny your feelings or the truth. You do not live in denial, make excuses, justify, rationalize or try to change your feelings, you just recognize and accept them.
Radical Acceptance is not justifying or condoning bad behavior and it does not mean that you let people walk all over you or take advantage of you. It also does not mean that you are ignoring bad behavior. It means that you are honest and realistic about what and who is in your environment and your role in these relationships.
When you practice Radical Acceptance, difficult people, situations, and memories have less power over you. You also feel disappointed less. When you radically accept something, you will decrease the amount you suffer and likely prevent yourself from continued cycles of hurt. As I state multiple times in my book, The Psychologist & Her Narcissists, A Guide to Surviving Toxic Relationships: Narcissists do not change and their behaviors tend to turn into patterns, and often very predictable patterns.
You do not need stay awake all night ruminating when your Narcissist ruins a party, lies, throws tantrums, or does not show up. You can acknowledge you are disappointed and that the behavior is wrong and then get your rest. Your job is not to cover things up, make excuses, or waste time trying to figure out why your Narcissist does awful things. Sometimes when we are in relationships with Narcissists we tend to look the other way or push feelings down to get through a situation. This is not Radical Acceptance! When you radically accept you are brutally honest with yourself and you take things and deal with them as they come.
Here is an example of how to apply Radical Acceptance:
Situation: My mother is such a drama queen and has a meltdown ever holiday. She screams and says the most hurtful things. I really wish I could skip Christmas, but I want to see my dad, sisters, and nieces and nephews. I get so mad and upset after the holidays that I do not sleep well for weeks and all I can think about is my mother’s bad behavior and how to get her to stop acting like a toddler.
Radically Accepting the Situation: My mother will probably scream and say hurtful things at Christmas and this makes me feel angry and sad. This behavior is inappropriate and I am comfortable saying that my mother does not control her emotions well and it has nothing to do with me. I am not responsible for making that situation better. I am going to go and focus on enjoying Christmas with the other members of my family. I am going to focus on my values of being kind and loving to others. I am going to engage with my mother as little as possible when she is screaming because I do not want to interact with her when she is acting like that.
Best of luck practicing Radical Acceptance and much love.
Jenny Tamasi, Survivor and Author of: The Psychologist & Her Narcissists, A Guide to Surviving Toxic Relationships